5 Tips for the Tough Conversations

Posted on July 11, 2014July 11, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People, Uncategorized / 7 Comments

So I have done some tough conversations really well at times and really badly at others. I have at times cause damage and at times caused positive change. I have learned some things the hard way.

So for this post I am going to assume you have decided to have the conversation because you know it needs to be done . (See Tough Conversations -Why Have Them ) Here are some tips I have picked up – feel free to add your own in the comments

1. One size does not fit all.

You have to take into account people’s wiring before having these confrontations. Some people are really teachable and will hear everything you say. Some people you will hit really hard and they still won’t get it. Some people are so gentle and sensitive you barely need to say anything. Some people need data- they need times and dates of what has gone wrong. Spend some time thinking about the person and how would be best to approach the conversation – when, where and how is going to be best for this person. They are worth it.

2. Use the smallest stick possible.

What does that mean – use the person with the lowest authority in a team or organisation – that is appropriate. You will find some leaders always want the department head, or Senior Pastor to deal with conflict. Resist this – for a few reasons. First and foremost- the more authority some-one holds the more the tough conversation will sting. You goal is not to hurt a person but to help them overcome an issue or skill deficit in their world. Secondly if it goes straight to the Senior Leader you have no-where else to go if it does not change. We want to give people every opportunity to change . A meeting with the Senior Pastor because they left a window open when they locked up the building is going to feel very heavy handed and possibly be more embarrassing than it needs to be.

3. Have the tough conversation as soon as is possible

Dealing with an issue in a timely manner is so important. The person gets a chance to rectify a situation quickly, you don’t brood over it and let it become bigger in your head than it should , and it relieves stress all around. I have sometimes let things get way too big in my head over time – then the tough conversation becomes way too tough – and counter productive. (I am thinking of some of these right now with shame – knowing there will be people reading this saying Amen and praying I am changing !) Plus you spare the person repeating a mistake over and over, causing more damage than is necessary.

4. Make sure the person knows what is wrong

Seems obvious- but make sure the person understands at the end of the conversation what is wrong, what action steps they can take – or conversely if they have been able to explain the situation – that you understand them better. I have been on the receiving end of some tough conversations where it was too vague and I just was left feeling like the problem was with my personality- they just didn’t like me or value me and therefore there was nothing I could really do to make this situation better. It wasn’t the case but without some clear outcomes that is how I felt.

5. Pray

Only God knows where you are at and where the person is at. So you need God’s peace all over the meeting even if it is tough. You needs God’s grace so that you can love each other and continue to serve God together. You needs God’s wisdom to do it well.

Hopefully we can have tough conversations that feel like a big brother or sister showing the way !

Any tips to add ? I would love to learn from you.

Women Leading Men

Posted on June 1, 2014June 3, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Dealing with People, Uncategorized / 4 Comments

Leading men as a woman in leadership can be a challenge, especially in the church – but sometimes in the workplace too. Surprising in the 21st century but part of life. It is inevitable that some men will find it unusual to be led by a woman and frequently not the men you think it will be . It is also true that some women find leading men more of an issue than they had anticipated.

I have made big mistakes, and had great mentoring. I learnt much of it in the early days of being on staff on Long Island, NY under Mark Kelsey’s leadership. Mark Kelsey and Bill Clemens who was the Assistant Pastor – were so incredibly good at backing me up and pushing me to stand in the authority I had been given – it was a gift from God and I understand not every woman in ministry gets this support.

So a few things I have learnt along the way, and I am sure there will be more to say on this later

1. Treat All People with respect

Every person – male or female – needs respect. When you are leading people – just because you have a position – it does not give you the right to disrespect any person. Guys especially don’t respond well to being shown a lack of respect..

2. Treat All People Like Family

Treat people like family – they are ! In 1Timothy – Paul says “Do not rebuke and older man harshly but exhort him as if her were your father . Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters. ” (1Tim 5:1,2) . Great advice that still works for us now. For me this speaks of leading with the kindness and honour you would afford people in your own family. It also speaks of how we carry ourselves in these relationships – loving the people we lead like our own family.

3. Lead!

If you have been given a role of leadership – lead. You rarely hear a man apologising for leading and you often hear a woman doing it. Don’t apologise for have to make the tough calls and give direction – it is part of your role. Men will not follow you if you don’t actually lead – actually no-one will want to follow you. If you don’t lead you may have the role but some-one else on the team will jump into that vacuum you have created and take the reins.

Lead with confidence knowing that God has anointed you for the task. (Note : If you manipulated your way into a role, you won’t have this confidence, so get yourself out of there fast, repent and allow God to elevate you !)

4. Don’t try to be a man

In fact don’t try to be any other woman either – be yourself. People respond to leaders who are true to themselves, working in their own strengths and talents expressed through their personality. You have been given leadership as YOU – why do we then get into positions and try to be some-one else. If God wanted some-one else he would have put some-one else there. If he wanted a man to do that role I am sure he could arrange it- he is the Creator of the Universe. So relax and be yourself. Of course we look to mentors and role models but ultimately we have to express who we were created to be- anything else is exhausting.

That’s enough for now – I know its the tip of the iceberg, but I wanted to start the discussion.

Girls- what can you add to my list? Guys- give us some insight into being led by woman from your perspective.

(The weird photo is from a first year C3 College activity I run where I blind fold all the first years in the Oxford Falls courtyard – up to 90 people – and make them walk to drum beats – they have to be lead – it is so fun and it seemed appropriate! The other one is a grad photo. )

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What if they don’t change?

Posted on April 3, 2014April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 6 Comments

This post is dedicated to my friend Jenn who cares enough to write me long emails challenging me on things I publish and even calls from NY to clarify ! That’s her above with her wonderful husband Matt,their beautiful daughter Grace and me. I love them.

What if the people in your life never change? What if all your prayer and pleading with God amounts to nothing, will you be OK ?

We only have authority over our own lives to bring change – and even then we will not reach perfection this side of heaven. So we can pray and pray and hint and confront but people only change when they are ready and see the need for change. So we had better get happy with the people in our world and how they are right now.

THis doesn’t stop us believing the best in people and trusting God that he is doing a good work in all of us. However I have found that God’s priorities are different to mine. I wish he would work on the annoying habits in my family/friends/ bosses/ staff/ students lives – but frequently he sees other things that are more important to him and works on them. I am sure this works in reverse, that there are people who have prayed and believed for me to change in an area that I don’t see it and may never.

I have had numerous conversations this week with people believing for people to change- and in some cases betting their future on it – it is a risky business. Better to ask yourself these questions

If he/she never gets a better job do I still want to marry them? If he/she never sorts out this issue are they the sort of person I want to be friends with? If he/she never changes their manner am I happy to follow them? If he/she never gets more skilled in this area do I still believe in them?

People have free will – and they use it. Its a glorious thing God gave us. However don’t we all wish sometimes he would override it and just sort out the stuff in people that bugs us and make our lives more simple! Ha

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5 Tips to working in the Family Business of church!

Posted on March 27, 2014April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 4 Comments

Now we all know church is the family of God and so it is a spiritual family. However what people often miss is that church is also a family business in terms of how it often runs – as in a natural family business. Some churches are like ” mom and Pop ” stores some are like multinational multigenerational public companies – but at their heart they are all family businesses which have levels of nepotism.

This is a good thing in my humble opinion. Why? Because church is not like any other company , even though it runs by the relevant company law. People who work in churches cannot be separate from their private lives because part of the qualification of ministry is to have your marriage/family/ household in order . Actually I want my Pastor or Ministry Leader to be a devoted husband or wife before they are a good minister. I want them to love, believe in and champion their kids . I don’t want to serve some one who does not love their family.

Sometimes this may mean that they elevate their family members when we think we are more skilled or suited for a role. It’s OK – God is big enough to work with the natural bonds of family within a church and still see our hopes and dreams realised .

This does make the environment a little unique- and at times challenging – I don’t gave the answers to it all – but here are a few tips I picked up along the way. (Please note These tips won’t work for highly dysfunctional situations or where sin is being covered – these call for oversight stepping in.)

1. You had better get on with your Pastor/ Ministry Leaders spouse – you don’t gave to be best friends – but they will be around much more than in other work places – so it’s important to connect . Their role can be ambiguous and challenging – love them you don’t know what’s it’s like to live their life .

2. A spouse also needs to trust you – and you gain trust by never giving them any reason not to trust you and always being appropriate especially if you are the opposite sex to your Pastor/ Ministry leader.

3. Connect with the kids – believe me your life will be so much richer for it- and they may grow up to significant roles in the church and you will need to work alongside them.

4. Never create a situation where they have to chose between you and a close family member – they should always chose their spouse or child over you – so don’t even go there – find another way to resolve an issue.

5. People can never be unbiased towards their family members – and nor should they ever be, that would be weird- so don’t expect it. We can’t expect people to turn off their love and support of their family at work especially in church life. We actually expect them to be the best parents and spouses they can be – so don’t get too bent out of shape when that has an out working you don’t enjoy. (Some people have tried so hard to not be biased that they have chosen deliberately against family members even when they are the right fit for a role – this leads to all kinds of problems)

Obviously the Pastor/ Ministry Leader needs to put in place safe guards to make sure that their family is involved in church life in a way that is healthy and wise, setting them up for success so they are in the right roles for their gifting and character. They won’t always get this right , when this happens our role is to be grateful they love their family and make the situation work the best we can. When we are allowed to speak into such a situation do so with much prayer and great restraint remembering points 4 and 5!

This is not a new situation – on the cross as he was dying, the one person Jesus was concerned to look after was his Mum. In his toughest hour, under extreme pressure, he remembered the earthly family he was born into.

What tips do you have in working in the family business of church? Any points you agree or disagree with here ? I am working it out as I go along like you are!

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Say Sorry- it will set you free !

Posted on March 20, 2014March 23, 2016 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 4 Comments

There was a sense , when I began leading things and being involved in ministry that people in leadership were supposed to get it right all the time, have all the answers and have it all together. Thank goodness those days are over and authenticity and transparency are much more valued now. Honestly that was exhausting for most people.

In among the need for leaders and ministers to be real, is a need to be able to utter three little words “I am sorry”. I am convinced that I have to be able to say I am sorry when I mess up , when I make a mistake or when I was wrong. I have to be able to say it to people in all areas of my life.

Here are some thoughts on why sorry is so key in church life

When I say sorry I am admitting fault and admitting I am not perfect – which is liberating. If I can say sorry I don’t have to be perfect. What a relief. There was only ever one perfect man and his name was Jesus, the rest of us mere mortals fall short of perfection regularly.
People around me normally know I made a mistake, hiding it or ignoring it actually causes people to lose respect not gain it.
Saying sorry allows people the opportunity to forgive me and move on. Not addressing the issue causes resentment and anger towards me, understandably.
I need to humble myself to say sorry, to kill my pride and take responsibility for my actions, and this can only be good for my soul. It allows God’s grace to flow towards me because we know that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Saying sorry should never become a technique we use to win people over but rather a heart-felt admission of wrong, coupled with a request for forgiveness. Why? Because before we are leaders, ministers,managers or any other roles- we are Christians and thats what Jesus followers do. We repent of our sin before God and apologise to the people we hurt. Jesus tells us clearly to forgive one another- lets ask for and receive forgiveness as a way of life.

Got any thoughts on apologising ? Love you to comment.

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Be Strong in Grace

Posted on February 27, 2014April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 6 Comments

Be Strong in Grace

Several years ago I was in a situation that I thought was overwhelming. All my life people had called me a “Pollyanna” or told me I looked at life through rose-colored glasses.

One day it was as if someone took off my glasses and replaced them with another pair and suddenly a whole situation and particularly a person I had been very close to looked totally different. Had anything really changed – no – but my perception had changed . As daily I received more and more information from great Pastors who were determined I would see clearly, I felt like I was crumbling internally. How could I have been so deceived, how could I have been so blind?

As I began to unravel this situation I started to understand that my need to make people and situations perfect in my own mind caused me to have a totally unrealistic, romantic view of life. As you can imagine in some ways it was like waking up from a really lovely dream and finding it wasn’t true. It was shocking.

At some point my great friend Margaret said to me “We just need more grace to make it through this.” Never have truer words been spoken to me. I had a revelation of grace that was shallow and powerless. It stopped with forgiveness of my sins at salvation. To really deal with life, faulted humanity and my own less than perfect self I was going to need more understanding of grace.

Peter says in 1Pet 2:1 “Finally be strong in the grace of God.”
We need not just be people who are saved by grace, but leaders who are strong in the grace of God. In case you haven’t noticed yet lives, ours included are messy, our formula’s for Christian life don’t always work, good people do some really horrific things to each other and the righteous still struggle with sin and failings. We need the grace of God to live out our callings. We need grace from God for ourselves and for each other.

Grace that is real and robust means I know the people around me are faulted and human -and they will sometimes disappoint and offend me. I will disappoint and offend people. We are all people in need of Jesus.

When we are strong in grace we become like the palm tree that bends in the storm. More on that next week !

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Emotional Multitasking – not always easy but essential, especially at Christmas

Posted on December 19, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 3 Comments

I have had an unusual week – as I am sure many of you have- it is the festive season and it all gets a little nuts.

On Monday I was reading and praying at the wedding of dear friends. Yesterday I was at work, followed by a divorce mediation meeting I am part of as a Pastor. After that I picked up my Mum and sister and went into the city to see the gorgeous Christmas lights on St Mary’s cathedral you see above.

Today I was in strategy meetings till lunch, then a church staff Christmas party and then I came home to prepare for a funeral I am conducting. Then I will perform the funeral for a good friends of mine’s brother who died too young – and later this week there are more Christmas parties to go to and a 50th birthday – all the while doing my best to support my friend who has lost her brother and my friend who has lost her marriage.

It’s not always this extreme – but it often is like this for many of us in any type of ministry. We have to learn the art of what I am calling for lack of a better term ; emotional multitasking . It can feel very unusual as we have to slip from one emotional state to another sometimes in a matter of moments.

I remember being at a College celebration dinner while staff members who are very close to me were loosing a beautiful baby girl. It felt very bizarre to be at a party at that time. Chatting it over with another staff member, the very talented and wise Simon Ray, and he reminded me of Rom 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn” – I had never realised I may have to actually do these things at the same time. I had to rejoice with the students who had graduated and mourn for the loss of a baby girl. It was a very strange feeling!

Some of us in ministry will be walking alongside some people in very challenging situations while still trying to enjoy our families Christmas. We cannot allow the ministry we are doing to rob us or our families of the joy we have. We have to be able to empathise and support while still fully engaging in our own families.

I have a few thoughts on how to do it – please feel free to add to it in the comments and help us all

1. Pray a lot – give the situations to God and trust him with them

2. Learn how you process and do it. I verbally process so I will talk about how I am feeling with a few close friends (See my earlier post on friends )

3. Know the state of your heart – when it is getting overwhelmed – take some time out, even an hour in a café or on a beach to refresh

4. Don’t feel guilty about the joy you are feeling- enjoy what God has given you.

5. Be in the moment- really feel what is going on in that moment – good or bad. It is part of being alive to feel. If you shut down your feelings you will become a shadow of yourself.

6. Understand that dealing with high emotion is stressful even as a support person – do the normal things you do to deal with stress -sleep, eat well, exercise , laugh etc etc

Let the dialogue on this begin- looking forward to your wisdom …..

(THis is my last blog for 2013 – going on annual leave on Friday for 2 weeks- will be visiting family in Perth and Adelaide for Christmas and New year -lying on the beach, reading lots of books, eating festive foods – as well as tasting some excellent wines from Margaret River and the Barossa Valley I am hoping ! Keeping my boundaries strong and going off line for my vacation. So won’t be back till on the blog till around Jan 9. Thanks for coming on this crazy adventure in 2013- be back in 2014 – have a Happy and Holy Christmas – and a fabulous New Year ! )