Recently one of my students was describing the situation her parents were in as Lay Pastors- she said they don’t have friends because they are Pastors and can’t really be honest with anyone. This made me really sad.The lie that Pastors and leaders can’t have friends is one that was prevalent when I was a young In ministry. We have all heard the maxim “it is lonely at the top” . Yes there are areas of our work that we cannot talk about due to confidentiality . But really when we think about it – doctors, psychologists, social workers, politicians and many other professions are in the same position.We all need friends. We need friends we can laugh with and cry with. Friends who understand our sometimes crazy lives and are willing to make the effort. Friends who are not people we pastor or lead and who are not expecting us to always have all the answers.
In a recent situation in my own life I was struggling emotionally with a few areas of my life. To be honest I was really upset about two situations and felt like I should be handling them better. My girl firends helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was, listened, prayed for me and my emotional outpouring did not change our relationship – except to make us closer. They did not run off to a Pastor and tell them Pam is falling apart, you need to pull her from all leadership- they loved me and shared my burden thus fulfilling the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2)
Letting people into my struggle did not change it , it just made me feel less alone. Knowing that other people understood made me feel more connected.They told me I wasn’t crazy. They allowed me space to process .
I did not tell everyone – just a couple of people. It just made me so grateful for long term friendships- people that love me no matter how much of a mess I am.
Recently we had Ps Mike Connell in our church and he talked about Jesus in his hour of greatest emotional and spiritual distress in the Garden of Gesthemene wanting his three closest friends to be with him. Was there anything they could do for him? No. Would anything they said or did change his situation ? No, Jesus just wanted friends to be there with him.In tough times and good times we all need friends . It is a lie that leadership has to be lonely. Yes there are times to be alone with God, or alone to process, or alone in making some tough calls, but we were created social beings with a need for community.
We need soul friends who can hear our deepest pain. We need friends who we have fun with and laugh with. We need travel buddies and movie buddies and people who like to eat the same food we eat. We need old friends and new friends. We need friends who are older than us and friends who are younger. We need take risks and connect with people and let them into our hearts. Will every person become a best friend – no – but our lives will be richer for having made space for another person.
When God said ” it is not good for an to be alone ” I don’t think he was just talking about marriage -I think he was talking about life!
How do you nurture friendships ?
(The photo above is one of my favourites from my Long Service leave- high tea with three of my NY girls – friends for over 20 years – precious)
That day is such a wonderful memory!! So blessed by your 20+yrs of friendship!!!
Me too MB- still not sure what they put in the tea that day