In one week I did  damage to two relational bridges and have had to go back and do some repairs – and in both cases I could have left the bridges broken because I was technically “in the right” . However that would have made me so “in the wrong” .

It was humbling for these reasons

1. I had to own my part in the damage

2. I had to work hard to fix the damage

3. In one case the other person blamed me entirely for the damage and could not see their part – and I am pretty sure that is not going to change.

However despite the humbling process and how hard it is at points we have to be able to go back and repair bridges.

One bridge was a parent at a student at a recent student  performance. She objected to me taking photos and blocking her view and soundly rebuked me for it during the show. I certainly did less photo taking but I stewed during the show – my thoughts centring along – doesn’t she know who I am, I have a right to take photos. (Any sentence that begins with “don’t they know who I am ” should be a serious red flag- it lacks the heart of the gospel) .

At intermission I went to the bathroom – where I find the Holy Spirit is very present as I have fewer distractions – weird I know – and felt convicted about my attitude and decided I needed to go back to me seat- turn around and repair that bridge.

I have met that parent before , she had forgotten, and I did not want to do anything that would damage the relationship between her and the church or the College. Leaving the unpleasantness in the air would have done just that.

So I humbled myself, went in there and instead of avoiding eye contact – as I really wanted to do- sat down turned around and chatted. We had a great conversation, talked about the photo taking, worked it through and she came again the next night a deliberately said hello. I repaired the bridge – and now it is strengthened as is her view of the College and the church.

I wish I could say all bridge repairs are that straight forward – some take a lot more effort and time. However as ministers we need to have the skills to do it. Rather than avoid the situation we need to humble ourselves, roll up our sleeves and do some dirty work. I am learning the need to do it over and over again, how about you ? Comment below and add to the discussion.

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No-one likes making the tough calls – we often avoid them like the plague, until we are forced into making them. Lately I have had to make a few tough decisions to make  and have learnt some new things – which is always good . So I thought I would share them!

1) Gather the information you need.

In Proverbs 18:17 it says “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him”. Especially in church life we don’t like to involve too many people – we like to maintain confidentiality . This is a good thing – however when it comes to making decisions, especially about people’s lives, you need a 360 degree view of a situation to make a good call.

2) Don’t be rushed into a decision

I often find people trying to rush me into a decision because they are stressed and want an answer.Don’t be pushed into a hasty decision by some-one else’s timetable. You may regret it later . By the same token don’t drag it out unnecessarily – that will cause all concerned stress.

In a recent decision concerning a student’s future with us at  C3 College  – we made the decision on a Thursday and deliberately sat on it till the Tuesday so we could allow it to settle and make sure it was the right call. On Tuesday we decided it needed modifying and took more time – the final decision was better for the process.

3) Don’t feel like you have to make a decision alone

There is no shame in getting input from people who are more experienced or have a different view-point. Again Proverbs has wisdom in Chapter 15:22 “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Just because you have been given responsibility doesn’t mean you have to be a lone ranger – humble yourself and ask a few people for wisdom.

4) Remember there is  people on the other side of a tough call

Especially in ministry, there are always people on the other side of tough calls – you need to constantly bear that in mind. People are not expendable – they are precious and valued in God’s sight – even if they are messing up right now. Don’t make calls that are cavalier and thoughtless and treat people like chess pieces. Make decisions that keep in mind people’s best long-term interests. Communicate that when you speak to them . Love them through your tough decision.

5) Pray – a lot

You will get supernatural peace, supernatural wisdom and see it from heaven’s view-point. God will also prepare and repair hearts including your own !

Hope that helped – it follows on from having the tough conversations – feel free to add any suggestions in the comment box below- I need all the help I can get !

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So I have done some tough conversations really well at times and really badly at others. I have at times cause damage and at times caused positive change. I have learned some things the hard way.

So for this post  I am going to assume you have decided to have the conversation because you know it needs to be done . (See Tough Conversations -Why Have Them ) Here are some tips I have picked up – feel free to add your own in the comments

1. One size does not fit all.

You have to take into account people’s wiring before having these confrontations. Some people are really teachable and will hear everything you say. Some people you will hit really hard and they still won’t get it. Some people are so gentle and sensitive you barely need to say anything. Some people need data- they need times and dates of what has gone wrong. Spend some time thinking about the person and how would be best to approach the conversation – when, where and how is going to be best for this person. They are worth it.

2. Use the smallest stick possible.

What does that mean – use the person with the lowest authority in a team or organisation – that is appropriate. You will find some leaders always want the department head, or Senior Pastor to deal with conflict. Resist this – for a few reasons. First and foremost- the more authority some-one holds the more the tough conversation will sting. You goal is not to hurt a person but to help them overcome an issue or skill deficit in their world. Secondly if it goes straight to the Senior Leader you have no-where else to go if it does not change. We want to give people every opportunity to change . A meeting with the Senior Pastor because they left a window open when they locked up the building is going to feel very heavy handed and possibly be more embarrassing than it needs to be.

3. Have the tough conversation as soon as is possible

Dealing with an issue in a timely manner is so important. The person gets a chance to rectify a situation quickly, you don’t brood over it and let it become bigger in your head than it should , and it relieves stress all around. I have sometimes let things get way too big in my head over time – then the tough conversation becomes way too tough – and counter productive. (I am thinking of some of these right now with shame – knowing there will be people reading this saying Amen and  praying I am changing !) Plus you spare the person repeating a mistake over and over, causing more damage than is necessary.

4. Make sure the person knows what is wrong

Seems obvious- but make sure the person understands at the end of the conversation what is wrong, what action steps they can take – or conversely if they have been able to explain the situation – that you understand them better. I have been on the receiving end of some tough conversations where it was too vague and I just was left feeling like the problem was with my personality- they just didn’t like me or value me and therefore there was nothing I could really do to make this situation better. It wasn’t the case but without some clear outcomes that is how I felt.

5. Pray 

Only God knows where you are at and where the person is at. So you need God’s peace all over the meeting even if it is tough. You needs God’s grace so that you can love each other and continue to serve God together. You needs God’s wisdom to do it well.

Hopefully we can have tough conversations that feel like a big brother or sister showing the way !

Any tips to add ? I would love to learn from you.