Emotional Multitasking – not always easy but essential, especially at Christmas

I have had an unusual week – as I am sure many of you have- it is the festive season and it all gets a little nuts.

On Monday I was reading and praying at the wedding of dear friends. Yesterday I was at work, followed by a divorce mediation meeting I am part of as a Pastor. After that I picked up my Mum and sister and went into the city to see the gorgeous Christmas lights on St Mary’s cathedral you see above.

Today I was in strategy meetings till lunch, then a church staff Christmas party and then I came home to prepare for a funeral I am conducting. Then I will perform the funeral for a good friends of mine’s brother who died too young – and later this week there are more Christmas parties to go to and a 50th birthday – all the while doing my best to support my friend who has lost her brother and my friend who has lost her marriage.

It’s not always this extreme – but it often is like this for many of us in any type of ministry. We have to learn the art of what I am calling for lack of a better term ; emotional multitasking . It can feel very unusual as we have to slip from one emotional state to another sometimes in a matter of moments.

I remember being at a College celebration dinner while staff members who are very close to me were loosing a beautiful baby girl. It felt very bizarre to be at a party at that time. Chatting it over with another staff member, the very talented and wise Simon Ray, and he reminded me of Rom 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn” – I had never realised I may have to actually do these things at the same time. I had to rejoice with the students who had graduated and mourn for the loss of a baby girl. It was a very strange feeling!

Some of us in ministry will be walking alongside some people in very challenging situations while still trying to enjoy our families Christmas. We cannot allow the ministry we are doing to rob us or our families of the joy we have. We have to be able to empathise and support while still fully engaging in our own families.

I have a few thoughts on how to do it – please feel free to add to it in the comments and help us all

1. Pray a lot – give the situations to God and trust him with them

2. Learn how you process and do it. I verbally process so I will talk about how I am feeling with a few close friends (See my earlier post on friends )

3. Know the state of your heart – when it is getting overwhelmed – take some time out, even an hour in a café or on a beach to refresh

4. Don’t feel guilty about the joy you are feeling- enjoy what God has given you.

5. Be in the moment- really feel what is going on in that moment – good or bad. It is part of being alive to feel. If you shut down your feelings you will become a shadow of yourself.

6. Understand that dealing with high emotion is stressful even as a support person – do the normal things you do to deal with stress -sleep, eat well, exercise , laugh etc etc

Let the dialogue on this begin- looking forward to your wisdom …..

(THis is my last blog for 2013 – going on annual leave on Friday for 2 weeks- will be visiting family in Perth and Adelaide for Christmas and New year -lying on the beach, reading lots of books, eating festive foods – as well as tasting some excellent wines from Margaret River and the Barossa Valley I am hoping ! Keeping my boundaries strong and going off line for my vacation. So won’t be back till on the blog till around Jan 9. Thanks for coming on this crazy adventure in 2013- be back in 2014 – have a Happy and Holy Christmas – and a fabulous New Year ! )

A Time to Question

Posted on December 12, 2013December 12, 2013 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Uncategorized / 2 Comments

So on Wednesday Night we had Christmas D Group (which half way through turned into a little surprise wedding shower – but that’s another story – suffice to say that as it was D group we snookered the guys into a shower, games and all – too funny) and as usual there was the over and above abundance of yummy food and wine that you see above.

Instead of a message we did some reflective questions – and it made me realise again how good it is to stop – even in this crazy Christmas frenzy and reflect. Somehow when I lived in NY this was easier – the cold weather makes for more time inside, watching the Christmas tree lights twinkle , seeing It’s a Wonderful Life one more time, wrapping presents and reflecting. In the Southern Hemisphere it is not so conducive to pondering – we are rushing round shopping in the heat, going to drinks on decks and coming home and jumping in the pool!

No matter where you live – it is good to look back on the year that has been and ask yourselves some questions . Here’s the questions we used.

1. What was the highlight of your year ?

2. What was your greatest challenge ?

We have had a monumental year in my group- a 30th, a 40th, a 50th and a 60th, one long service leave, one 3 month Europe trip, one first child to school, one change of school, one Masters almost complete, one Presence Kids Event Managed, one major change of work direction, one finalist in a short film competition in LA – and an engagement and a wedding next Monday. It was so wonderful to reflect on these things that we have journeyed through together.

(Funnily enough the highlight was often the greatest challenge as well . To make something a highlight in our lives frequently means it involves a mountain to overcome. )

So as this year come to a close, in among all the Christmas parties and family fun -why not stop and reflect on the year that has been. See the hand of God – see your personal triumphs – see the areas you need to work on.

If you are really brave ask some extra questions

Is my pace sustainable ?

Where do I need to make adjustments to achieve my goals ?

Anyone have any other good questions you would like to throw in to help us reflect ??

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Celebrate – go ahead it is Festive

Posted on December 5, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Enjoying Life / 6 Comments

At this time of year I feel like I am constantly at an event celebrating something – the photo is from the Graduation Dinner at C3 College – the traditional lift photo you take on the way up to the venue with the students, in this case the gorgeous Charlotte – it was Monday night and it was very festive. We had a Last day of College event and we have a Graduation service on Saturday night followed by a staff College party on Sunday Night. We have definitely celebrated the end of College.

And so we should. Whenever some-one achieves something – we should not rush by it. But we should stop and enjoy the moment. We should celebrate with them – Ecclesiastes encourages us to rejoice with those who rejoice .

The size of the achievement should determine the proportion of the celebration. For this reason at the end of a College year we do multiple celebrations people have had a significant transforming experience and so we need to mark the event properly. If we rush past it we also devalue the work God has done in their life at College.

We need to find out what is the best way to celebrate. The party, the dinner, opening a bottle of champagne is fantastic but some-times it requires more thought.

Sometimes the best way to celebrate with our team is to give them a day off when they have worked really hard. After every conference or big event we take time in lieu. A day to recoup and recover, a different kind of celebration that values the sacrifice of time that has been made. It rarely covers all the time – it does allow for a pause and reflection on a job well done. It also allows for rest and recovery – essential for running this race.

Too often in church life , especially in churches with big vision , we launch for pulling off one huge event to the next without stopping to effectively debrief and then celebrate. What happens then is that people feel devalued and they burn out.

The debrief is also crucial – what did we do well, what could we do better, what did we learn – all questions that need to be answered. People need to be heard as well – their viewpoint is invaluable. (will write a whole blog on this I think)

Running onto the next event may seem like the overwhelmingly urgent thing to do. However if you want to have team that is happy and healthy for the long-term – pause, celebrate and debrief.

As some-one who was celebrated this year on two continents just for reaching a significant age, I know how incredible it felt to have people communicate that they value who you are what you have done.

Life in ministry can be so intense and full – but I see Jesus going to weddings, eating with people and celebrating the holidays ! When he was born it was celebrated with a star, angels and three wise men with expensive gifts.

Go out of your way to find things to celebrate and life will be festive and the people you love will know you value them !!

What do you celebrate that you would like to share with everyone?

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Understand Yourself – It’s Your Responsibility

Posted on November 28, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Enjoying Life / 12 Comments

One of the things I have learnt in life and ministry is that it is so important to understand stand myself and how I function. For a long time I thought it was self-absorbed to spend time figuring myself out . However I now see it is part of loving the people around me.

If I don’t understand how I work- I will emotionally vomit all over people, I will not function properly when people are depending on me and as a leader I will create an environment that is insecure and unstable.

So don’t think of it as naval gazing and for Heavens sake don’t get lost in working yourself out for years before you do anything – however along the way learn about how you function and how you are gifted so you can be most effective. I consider it an outworking of the parable of the talents- we need to work our talents and gifts – but how can we work them if we don’t know what they are.

Our gifts and talents function within our physical frame , our personality and our unique wiring. To best steward who God has created you to be – you need to understand what are your optimal conditions !

Here are a few things you need to know about yourself (some are very simple)

How much sleep you need . I know I am an 8 hours a night girl. In peak times , or highly festive seasons I can do 6 hours for about 3 nights, any more and I can schedule the migraine.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert. I know I am an extrovert – so a week’s holiday on my own sounds great in theory but in practise will send me into a downward spiral. However I know I am really happy exploring cities, seeing shows and going to art galleries on my own – in fact I LOVE it. Doesn’t make any sense with the rest of my personality but there it is. (the photo above is from the Met in NY one day in June)
Know your personality weaknesses. I know I am a sanguine personality and so my greatest fear is rejection. Understanding this means I stay off Instigram when I know there is an event I am not invited to. Seeing the photos will hurt – I know I should be bigger than this by now but I am not. So better to guard my heart.
What are your strengths . I did the strength finder test a few years ago and found that I am an achiever. I like to get things done. So even on a holiday week or rest day I will feel better if I achieve something. So I have learnt to turn finishing a book, cooking a great meal, watching a movie or hanging with friends into an achievement for the day.
What is your love language. Mine is quality time. Knowing this helps me to talk myself through some tricky situations – even in my family. Just because they are not spending time with me does not mean they don’t love me! That is my love language not theirs.
How do you handle stress – under pressure I turn into a choleric personality it’s not really pretty. I apologise to my staff in advance of big events. Knowing this makes me stop and deliberately soften my approach. One day I hope to be able to stop apologising and be kind under pressure – I am a work in progress.

(Wow just read that back- hope I haven’t scared you all away from my blog by my glaring flaws!)

Those are a few areas I think are important.

Any thoughts ? What did I miss ?? What else is important to understand about yourself ?

Upgrade Me

Posted on November 21, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life, Dealing with People / 6 Comments

Well its been a most wonderful week- my family, friends and students spoiled me incredibly and now I am the proud owner of some stunning pearl earrings and a pearl necklace which came in a little blue bag . Three friends and one sister flew from interstate to help me celebrate , there were conspiracies and surprises, good friends and lovely gifts and I was overwhelmed.

Then I launched straight into the College production week and so it has been a week of late night rehearsals.

So I have not had time to write- so I am posting a blog I wrote for the College Alumni about 2 years ago – because being so spoiled last week made me think of it. Won’t make a practise of recycling forgive me I won’t turn 50 again !

Upgrade Me

Last week my first (and to date only) experience flying business class . I’m a late bloomer!

I used my frequent flyer points and flew business to Brisbane. I loved it!

I loved the extra leg room. I loved the little hot towels. I loved the real plates and glasses. I loved getting off the plane first. I really loved the food and wine. I had a blast and enjoyed every minute of it.

However none of those things were what impressed me most. What impressed me most is the difference in how you get treated in business class. The staff knew my name and called me by it. They asked me if there was anything I needed at the end of the meal. They went out of their way to meet and anticipate my needs.

The bizarre thing is this, after about half an hour of this it started effecting how I felt. I felt respected and valued, and the way the lady sitting next to me spoke to me was entirely different to other conversations I have had on planes. But I am still me- and I am the same me who a few weeks earlier was jammed into a full economy flight for 30 hours on the way back from Europe with no little hot towels or wine in a real glass!

I started to think how easy it is to make people feel better about themselves- just by treating them with respect and giving them value. (And giving them a little hot towel if you have one handy!) We have the chance every day to give some-one’s life an upgrade.

Jesus constantly upgraded people. He discussed theological concepts with an outcast woman getting water at a well – when other men of the town would have shown contempt. He asked a despised tax collector to have dinner with him. He extended grace and mercy to a woman who was sleeping with some-one else’s husband. He valued people no matter what their circumstances.

I loved business class – but it ended for me in 90 short minutes. Wonder if we followed Jesus’ example by upgrading some-one’s life today if it could last a whole lot longer?

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50 is the new 30. Really ?

Posted on November 14, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Enjoying Life / 5 Comments

So today I am 50 – there I said it !

As I post this – thanks to the wonders of technology I will be having dinner with my family- enjoying a view of the harbour bridge and a great bottle of red wine (thanks Jordan and Lisa !) . All my siblings will be together; my sister is here from Perth, my brother from Singapore as well as the Sydney family! It will be a sacred time (unless we get into an argument which could happen in our family but probably not on a birthday – and either way there will be much love in the midst of it all !)

In the last few weeks to encourage me about my advancing age – some people have said – don’t worry 50 is the new 30. I know they mean well and are being kind. However I think I am just going to embrace the season ! I am 50 – I am not 30 – I loved being 30 but it is long over- and so I am going to love being 50 !

I wonder why we are all trying so hard to hang onto our youth – and why we can’t just go with getting older . One of my favourite scriptures is Philippians 4:12 “I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to be in plenty, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” . I guess the key to this scripture is that it is a secret – not many people find contentment in the season they are in. I want to be a person who is content in this season of my 50’s.

I wont lie to you and tell you that my life is perfect. I have cried some tears over dreams I thought should have come true by now – turns out God and Walt Disney have different views on life !

I may also have been slightly offended when I heard some of my students thought I didn’t understand their fashion choices because I am “older”. On reflection I realised I have never really understood fashion , it has nothing to do with my age. (It also has to do with the wisdom you get as you get older on when and where to show off the great legs God gave you ! )

However my life is rich and wonderful. I have an incredible family, amazing friends, a job I love, a church with a vision I am passionate about and the list goes on. Right now I am sitting on my front deck looking out at Long Reef on Sydney’s Northern Beaches while my little nephews play on my iPad .

I am a blessed woman.

If I slip out of contentment I just need to look at the world around me – there are people in the Philippines now who are struggling to survive, who have been made orphans and homeless by a typhoon. My issues are light and momentary.

Getting old on this earth is a privilege. I am going to do my best to enjoy every moment !

50 is not the new 30 – it is 50 and it is fabulous !

How do you find contentment ?

(The photo is from my surprise birthday in NY in May, who was expecting a birthday party 6 months early? It was wonderful and humbling – and so incredibly kind – dont’ believe the stories NYers are some of the best people on the planet )

Pam’s Top 10 Practical Boundary Thoughts

Posted on November 7, 2013April 13, 2014 by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Boundaries / 24 Comments

We are all wired differently and so different ways of keeping healthy boundaries work for us.

Here are 10 things that are working for me – in no particular order, except the first one.

Sabbath is not part of the law. It was part of the original plan of God. As Jesus said – Sabbath was made for man. We cannot survive without at least one day of rest in a week. If God needed to rest on the seventh day so do we. Stay tuned for a whole blog on this.
Get into somewhere green or blue whenever you can – find a beach to walk on, a river to stroll by, a park to sit in, a mountain to stare at – as often as you can. When we spend time in creation we re-connect with the Creator. Try not to take your phone – the world will survive without you for an hour as you nurture your soul. (The photo above is my beach -so blessed). Disconnects you from work in a way few other things can.
In ministry there will always be more work than people and money – no matter how big the organization you work for is. So get use to going home and switching off without having completed everything, it is life in the kingdom. I love to complete tasks and it has led to many late nights in the office – but I have realized that in church life there is never any real completion. There is just a kingdom that is ever-expanding (And how exciting is that )and so I can’t gauge my success or progress on completion.
I am responsible before God to look after my own life. If I am physically run down, emotionally exhausted and spiritually dry – it is not the job of my Pastors to step in.
If I have no margin – emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically because I have no boundaries and live right out to the edge of the page of my life – I cannot be a good Samaritan to the people in need I come across in my life. If I am so tired and cranky from not having enough sleep that I don’t even see the needs around me – what use am I?? Might write a whole blog on this too!
Even introverts need people and extroverts need alone time. We are just wired to get energy primarily from one or the other – not to negate the other one in our lives. I am an extrovert – but if I don’t have come potter time regularly I get a little crazy.
Holidays are never at a good time,but we have to take them. They have to be times of disconnecting from our normal work and where possible our normal lives. As Rick Warren says – Abandon annually. I actually think Abandon annually is the barest minimum – take your vacation people and really disconnect.
I am not the Saviour I know that is obvious but the way we work sometimes you would think the government was upon our shoulders – the government is upon His shoulders.
The faster I respond the faster people will expect me to respond. If I reply to an email at 10pm at night people will grow to expect it. I will create a rod for my back that is not sustainable. I now turn my emails off on my phone when I leave work and don’t turn them back on until at least 8 the next morning. I was waking up and doing work emails before I got out of bed – ok in peak – times really bad for a sustainable life!
I can say no to things with no reason apart from I am too tired, I need some space or I just don’t want to do it. Jesus withdrew to lonely places often throughout the gospels even though the need around him was huge. Ponder this one !

These are the things I am learning – at very nearly 50 I have lived a life that at points has lacked good boundaries and I have suffered for it; relationships have suffered, my health has suffered and worst of all at times I have modelled a life that no-one wants !

I was doing it all for Jesus –and really he was saying – Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest!” He wanted to show me a better way AND I am finally getting it. I think I will be getting it for the rest of my life.

What is your best boundary tip ? I need all the help I can get in this area !

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