I have a sneaking suspicion that the way women are wired makes us prone to having boundary issues. I am not sure it is about lack of self-esteem, abuse in our pasts or people pleasing so much as it is just what makes us women. It is our strengths turned against us.
Women are wired to mother. My Pastor Bernie Kelsey has a great saying- “You don’t have to give birth to be a mother”. The very essence of mothering is to care for some one else’s needs in a way that is sacrificial. Whether it is a screaming newborn or a friend in distress, our mothering kicks in to ignore our own needs and provide for the needs of another.
These things are strengths in women’s lives but as we all know our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses. People we love and respect can unfortunately exploit our ability to self-sacrifice sometimes unknowingly. This can be an issue for women in general but for women called into an area of ministry it is way too common.
For women who are single and in ministry this whole area can be incredibly problematic as they are no natural boundaries in place.There is no husband or children who are demanding time and attention.
If we take the call of God seriously then we have to create a lifestyle that is sustainable –with good and healthy boundaries. If we don’t we are modeling a life that will at it’s worst lead to total burn out and at its best be very one dimensional and not reflective of our creative and incredible God.
I have lately been pondering this thought ; what is an abundant life? If Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly (Jn 10:10) – I am pretty sure he was not just talking about having full churches and more meetings. I am also sure he was not talking about the best houses, cars and shoes that money could buy- otherwise our third world brothers and sisters could not receive it. When we look at the meaning of that greek word abundantly – we get clarity – it is about having a life that is “superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon”. Now that is the sort of life we all want.
When I have no boundaries and live a life that is all work- even if that is ministry work – my life honestly does not look superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon. It does not seem to be a life where I could say to other people – follow me as I follow Christ.
In fact I have had people tell me, in times where I was all work and no play- that if this was what ministry was they didn’t want it. These were not antagonistic non believers – these were sincere Christians who felt a call of God on their lives. I don’t want to ever hear that again about my life – so I have set about putting in place some boundaries that protect me from it – it is a work in progress
More on the practicalities next week ! How are your boundaries people ??
Love this… Abundant life is not about full churches, more meetings, or having materialistic things! Soooo true. Thank you for speaking about practical things that never make it to church pulpits, but need to be taught. This is a blog that life-coaches you to change the way you think. Thanks Pam!
So kind Heather !
I have given considerable thought to your blog. I believe we are wired to connect from birth. However I think our boundary issues correlate with the social norms of our tribe. From birth, I believe and there are scientific studies to support this, we treat boys and girls differently. Readers of this blog may like to reflect on this within their own families.
Our need to connect with our tribal norms influence our behaviour. The behaviours we observe within our family of origin are more likely to be adopted depending on our need to connect. I remember from my early days at church the message was that women, if they were to be God’s instruments and valued, put everyone else first. Now our society has changed especially in the Christian family. Having said that I do have two friends who are very involved in the movement for the ordination of women within their faith of choice. On a personal note , many times in my current work, I have to pause and ask myself whose needs am I meeting , mine or my clients. The answer can sometimes be painful.
Great question – who’s needs am I meeting. Very confronting at points. Pretty sure the people pleasers will always struggle with this area too !
Really enjoyed these thoughts. Like all your blogs I find much to reflect on. Thank you