The B Word – Boundaries !

Posted on by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Boundaries / 5 Comments

I have a sneaking suspicion that the way women are wired makes us  prone to having boundary issues. I am not sure it is about lack of self-esteem, abuse in our pasts or people pleasing so much as it is just what makes us women. It is our strengths turned against us.

Women are wired to mother. My Pastor Bernie Kelsey has a great saying- “You don’t have to give birth to be a mother”. The very essence of mothering is to care for some one else’s needs in a way that is sacrificial. Whether it is a screaming newborn or a friend in distress, our mothering kicks in to ignore our own needs and provide for the needs of another.

These things are strengths in women’s lives but as we all know our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses. People we love and respect can unfortunately exploit our ability to self-sacrifice sometimes unknowingly. This can be an issue for women in general but for women called into an area of ministry it is way too common.

For women who are single and in ministry this whole area can be incredibly problematic as they are no natural boundaries in place.There is no husband or children who are demanding time and attention.

If we take the call of God seriously then we have to create a lifestyle that is sustainable –with good and healthy boundaries. If we don’t we are modeling a life that will at it’s worst lead to total burn out and at its best be very one dimensional and not reflective of our creative and incredible God.

I have lately been pondering this thought ; what is an abundant life? If Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly (Jn 10:10) – I am pretty sure he was not just talking about having full churches and more meetings. I am also sure he was not talking about the best houses, cars and shoes that money could buy- otherwise our third world brothers and sisters could not receive it. When we look at the meaning of that greek word abundantly – we get clarity – it is about having a life that is “superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon”. Now that is the sort of life we all want.

When I have no boundaries and live a life that is all work- even if that is ministry work – my life honestly does not look superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon.  It does not seem to be a life where I could say to other people – follow me as I follow Christ.

In fact I have had people tell me, in times where I was all work and no play- that if this was what ministry was they didn’t want it. These were not antagonistic non believers – these were sincere Christians who felt a call of God on their lives.  I don’t want to ever hear that again about my life – so I have set about putting in place some boundaries that protect me from it – it is a work in progress

More on the practicalities next week ! How are your boundaries people ??

You Gotta Have Friends

Posted on by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Enjoying Life / 3 Comments
Friends

Recently one of my students was describing the situation her parents were in as Lay  Pastors- she said they don’t have friends because they are Pastors and can’t really be honest with anyone. This made me really sad.The lie that Pastors and leaders can’t have friends is one that was prevalent when I was a young In ministry. We have all heard the maxim  “it is lonely at the top” .  Yes there are areas of our  work that we cannot talk about due to confidentiality . But really when we think about it – doctors, psychologists, social workers, politicians and many other professions are in the same position.We all need friends. We need friends we can laugh with and cry with. Friends who understand our sometimes crazy lives and are willing to make the effort. Friends who are not people we pastor or lead and who are not expecting us to always have all the answers.

In a recent situation in my own life I was struggling emotionally with a few areas of my life. To be honest I was really upset about two situations and felt like I should be handling them better. My girl firends helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was, listened, prayed for me and my emotional outpouring did not change our relationship – except to make us closer.  They did not run off to a Pastor and tell them Pam is falling apart,  you need to pull her from all leadership- they loved me and shared my burden thus fulfilling the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2)

Letting people into my struggle did not change it , it just made me feel less alone. Knowing that other people understood made me feel more connected.They told me I wasn’t crazy. They allowed me space to process .

 I did not tell everyone – just a couple of people.  It just made me so grateful for long term friendships- people that love me no matter how much of a mess I am.

Recently we had Ps Mike Connell in our church and he talked about Jesus in his hour of greatest emotional and spiritual distress in the Garden of Gesthemene wanting his three closest friends to be with him. Was there anything they could do for him? No. Would anything they said or did change his situation ? No, Jesus just wanted  friends to be there with him.In tough times and good times we all need friends . It is a lie that leadership has to be lonely. Yes there are times to be alone with God, or alone to process, or alone in making some tough calls, but we were created social beings with a need for community.

We need soul friends who can hear our deepest pain. We need friends who we have fun with and laugh with. We need travel buddies and movie buddies and people who like to eat the same food we eat. We need old friends and new friends. We need friends who are older than us and friends who are younger. We need take risks and connect with people and let them into our hearts. Will every person become a best friend – no – but our lives will be richer for having made space for another person.

When God said ” it is not good for an to be alone ” I don’t think he was just talking about marriage -I think he was talking about life!

How do you nurture friendships ?

(The photo above is one of my favourites from my Long Service leave- high tea with three of my NY girls – friends for over 20 years – precious)

Serving Jesus 2- The Tough Stuff

Posted on by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Church Life / 11 Comments

I am a little afraid that after reading this blog many of you may say “this teaching is too hard” and run for cyber safety – but what can I do – it’s all I got ! This is a longish blog- promise they won’t all be this long!

In the last blog I talked about the importance of knowing whom we are serving – it is Jesus and now here are a few areas I believe it is crucial we keep this in perspective

1. Finances

Ps Stephen Hickson from C3 Manhattan said to me one day about his long term service in the C3 movement  “Church cannot pay me for the extra hours I have willingly done, so I am trusting Jesus to reward me. “ It totally shifted my perspective. C3 Church is not the supplier of my needs – Jesus is. C3 Church is not my security and does not hold my future but Jesus does. If I chose to work overtime I am serving Jesus and building his church and my reward will be eternal. (More about boundaries in a few weeks!)

If C3 Church decided to terminate my position tomorrow I know would be incredibly disappointed, sad and possibly angry for a season but I have to keep positioning my heart so that a loss of role does not mean I walk away from serving Jesus.

2. Our Emotional Connection to Leaders

In holding the people above you in the correct place in your life it is key that we do not allow them to take the place that only Jesus should inhabit.

When men and women serve a person first, the tendency is to have expectations of that person that are unreasonable and we set them up to fail in our eyes. When I serve leaders through my service to Jesus, I understand that he alone is perfect and infallible, everyone else is flawed and fallible.

Over the years I have watched people deify a leader. They do everything the leader wants faster and more effectively than the rest of us mere mortals, they are agreeable on everything the first time, they are at every single meeting and it all seems wonderful. However in conversation over time it become clear they are holding a leader in a position he or she never asked for or wanted. They start justifying the leaders human preferences with scripture and creating doctrine out of culture. They allow the leader to hold a place in their affections that is inappropriate.

With women in difficult marriages this causes tension in the home, as husbands cannot possibly live up to this perfect pastor. For single women they become the man against whom all men are measured. It is frequently based on a one-dimensional understanding of who the leader is. These situations often end in disappointment and disillusionment; sometimes with the leader, sometimes then with the whole church and in the worst cases it causes people to walk away from God entirely.

There is only one man who was perfect, and his name of Jesus. There is only one man who we should be serving as our first priority – his name is Jesus. To put any other man or woman in the place where Jesus should be is incredibly unfair to that person and dangerous to our souls

As a member of a church planting team in Long island, New York this was tested for me when the Senior Pastors Mark and Bernie Kelsey were called home 8 years into the plant. They are incredible, godly, empowering leaders – but they had not called me to NY – Jesus had. So after much prayer and soul searching I didn’t come home to Australia when they did, I stayed for another five years until I felt the release from God to leave. I have to serve him first.

The Disclaimer

Now as a local church girl who has served in the same movement for twenty five years and in only two churches in that time, I am not advocating a individualistic unteachable Christianity that wont serve a leader or a church and uses as an excuse for a rebellious spirit that “I serve Jesus alone”. When you serve Jesus you serve the men and women he places above you, you serve you local church and you sacrificially give to build the church of the Living God. You just don’t expect any leader to be perfect, your church to be the supplier of your needs or your ministry role to fulfil every hope and dream in your heart. These are matters for Jesus.

The problem is it is so much easier to see the church and the leaders in front of us – so we have to keep going back to the secret place and placing Jesus on the throne of our lives.  In my life this will be a lifelong journey of constant re-alignment so that I can healthily serve for the long haul. How about you ?

I’m Starting a Blog!

Posted on by pam.borrow@myc3church.net / Posted in Uncategorized / 44 Comments

After much deliberation I am starting a blog. It is aimed primarily at girls who are in ministry or leadership or some sort.

It comes out of my desire to help young women avoid some of the rookie mistakes I made .

I know I don’t have all the answers so my hope is that it will become a discussion where we share wisdom gained.

I hope to post every week- but we will see how it goes- I will also get friends from all over the world to write in areas that I know I have no clue in.

The first few blogs are not about the most flashy area- but they are foundational to everything else – so I am putting them up front.

Here’s my first blog

It’s About Serving Jesus –Not a Man or a Church. Part 1

In church life we hear so much about serving; and well we should. The heart of the ministry of Jesus was to serve- “the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve”.  We frequently hear about it as serving our local church or serving leadership. Understanding that the church is the body of Christ on the earth and the Apostles, Pastors, Teachers, Prophets and Evangelists are His gifts to the earth serving them is obviously an extension then of serving Jesus. Or is it ?

We have to have it clearly delineated in our hearts that we are serving Jesus first and through our service to Jesus we are serving the leadership he places above us. It may appear like semantics and hair splitting to make a distinction but I believe it is the way for health and longevity in ministry.

The way to best explain the importance of this concept is to show what happens when this is not in place in our hearts.

When we loose sight of serving Jesus and focus on our current role or place there is a tendency within all people and particularly women to hold onto it very tight. We have to maintain our position to maintain our area of service. When we are serving Jesus, where we are and what we are doing matter less.

This was aptly described to me in a recent conversation with a long term worship leader who has been the main singer on numerous C3 worship albums, been front and center of worship teams at large international conferences, toured with the C3 band and is currently singing BVs way out to the side of her church stage. On commenting on her incredible dedication and passion on the side of the stage she said to me “I am worshipping Jesus and it doesn’t matter where they put me (or don’t put me) on stage I will worship him with all I have”. What a woman!

It takes maturity and a clear understanding that we are serving Jesus to live this, my guess is that is has also taken tears and soul searching to get there.

Parts 2 to follow next week- but in the mean time – How do you keep Jesus central ?